The Language of Death
Decedent. Executor. Estate. Disposition. Emblem. Death doula.
When someone passes, the last thing you want to expend energy on is navigating the extensive technical terminology around death. Death houses a whole dictionary’s worth of confusing terms. These are just a few. Let’s clarify them, and talk about why I use some terms over others.
In addition, let’s cover the phrases that may provide comfort to someone who is grieving.
Defining words we use in funeral and estate planning
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An empathetic and respectful individual who collaborates with the family to personalize a ceremony to honour a loved one. The celebrant role can include the creation of a schedule and components for the ceremony portion of the event. Celebrants can prepare eulogies, create obituaries, and write a memorial program. They also host and emcee memorial gatherings. Celebrants shine in the areas of identifying opportunities for remembrance by a family needing some structure and guidance around goodbye. Learn more about celebrants: https://www.pineboxfunerals.ca/blog/purpose-and-value-of-celebrants
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An end of life doula or doula companion provides non-medical support to a family through the dying process and afterwards. The word “doula” is Greek for servant or helper. We have so “medicalized and financialized death” that the value of emotional and personal supports that doulas provide is struggling to gain a solid foothold in our culture. However, Margaret Mead spoke the words, “Never underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.”
Doulas educate and empower families, helping them live and experience death as a natural and necessary part of a healthy life. Learn more about death doulas: https://endoflifedoulaassociation.org/
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A term used to describe a person who has died. Our most widely used term would be “deceased.” I prefer the term decedent when we refer to someone who very recently died, during the first week, perhaps. Deceased is a past tense term for insurance policies, bank documents and government institutions.
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What is completed with the body after death occurs. This may include cremation, burial, green burial, shrouding, organ and tissue donation, or donation for anatomical research.
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The traditional process of preserving a deceased body. In this process, an embalmer removes bodily fluids, inserts chemicals to delay decomposition, and positions the decedent for viewing. Embalming can be pricey and the fluids are harmful to the environment. Embalming is a highly invasive procedure and is not legally required in Alberta. However, there are family circumstances where embalming makes complete sense. Licensed embalmers are highly skilled in the services they perform and committed to the families they serve. Learn more about embalming: https://www.pineboxfunerals.ca/blog/natural-burial
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The executor is the legal title used in a will for who has authority over an estate. Where there is no will, authority for an estate passes through spouse/common-law, adult child or parent. Terms used for their authority include next of kin, personal representative, or declared responsible person. This person is often selected due to their ability to manage arrangements following death, and they coordinate the estate distribution, often in collaboration with lawyers.
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Alberta provides medically assisted death by request to those with full mental capacity who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness.The service provides for the person dying to have a sense of control over their situation, including choosing the time, place (including home), and ceremony of honouring their life and saying farewell. If planning ahead for medical assistance in dying is something you have questions about, call for further details.
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The term for preparing the body, including a face wash, perhaps hair combed, eyes and mouth closed. Death is not always clean and so a minimum prep helps present simple care for private family viewing.
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Care provided at the end of life that includes relief, comfort and quality.
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A legal document written by someone that gives control over their financial affairs and debts to someone else.
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when an executor submits a will on behalf of the deceased and the Alberta Court must decide whether it is valid. Probate legally confirms who the executor is. Alberta has the lowest probate fees in Canada. Legal costs make up the largest portion of estate settlement. The Centre for Public Legal Education in Alberta provides guidelines (https://www.cplea.ca/wp-content/uploads/GrantofProbateorAdmin.pdf) around whether or not probate is necessary. If you are in a position of closing down an estate that holds a value of less than $50,000, you may not require the probate process.
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Fabric wrapped around the deceased prior to burial/cremation or before leaving home, if death has occurred at home. Learn more about shrouding: https://www.pineboxfunerals.ca/blog/shrouding-for-natural-burial-or-cremation
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A time of waiting and watching before a loved one passes at home or in palliative or hospice care, often accompanied by music or meditation. It is sometimes days or hours.
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A gathering after death occurs with those closest to the one who passed away, sometimes held in their home. It may be held in addition to or in place of a memorial service.
How to refer to someone who has died
What is the best way to talk about a dead person? Which words are most appropriate and why?
The truth is, everyone will have a personal preference. Using the decedent’s name is by far the best and truthfully, the most comforting word you can use. We often have this false notion that using “their” name will bring more pain – not true.
For someone like me who works with death every day, I try to strike a balance between practicality, clear language and empathy. I also often take my cues from my clients on their preference for language.
The terms “gone” or “no longer with us” are not relevant to the death that has happened. This dates back to the days when we were not allowed to call personal body parts by their anatomical names. This is very outdated – and confuses the heck out of children!
What to say to someone who is grieving
Death can be awkward. To not say anything is really awkward, too. This is especially true in a workplace relationship.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” is the most common phrase used to acknowledge someone’s passing to a friend. But it’s often the most complained-about cliche in books and movies. If this helps you to muster the courage to pass on your condolences, then I say use it. It could also be rephrased, as such:
“Bill, I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.”
“Susan, I was saddened when I heard your mom died.”
For further learning and language tips, subscribe to my newsletter at the bottom of my website for a free copy of my Heart of Condolence booklet. At times of loss, it can provide helpful tips for what to write, what to say and what to do.
